A NEW LEAF.....

My day has gone pretty good so far. I found out Wednesday that I have an internship with Gratiot Hospital. I get to create my own schedule and I am generally excited for it! I start Monday and I have so much to do on Monday. I am doing pretty good for now. I will only look for doing good for the rest of my days. No talking negatively, no thinking negatively, just living the days as they come!

I may have interview

Well guess what y'all? I have a nurse manager who wants to interview me. Don't know when or where or even what time, but I may have an interview. I hope this is it! I hope this is where my co-op starts and finishes. Think positive. I am so happy something is happening. Then once the co-op is over, I have another waiting period for getting an actual job. Yay!!!!

WHY, WHY, WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?

Why do I feel in such a rush to have a baby? To start a family? We have plenty of time, jeez! One reason would be I am afraid I will not have my opportunity to be a mother, another is I feel my husband will never be ready and will never want kids. I think I am thinking worst case scenario. UGH!!! I need to stop thinking like this...it's unhealthy, but what is healthy anyway? Just stop worrying things will happen when they happen and not a moment sooner! BE POSITIVE!!!! You'll like being older when you have children, more money, stable life, those such things. I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!!!!! VERY DEARLY!!!!!!!! VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!

FRUSTRATION!!!!

When you are a student about to complete school, you look forward to the very end, graduating college, out there ready to join the real world. Excited to work and look forward to the next stage in life. I didn't think anything of it. You know I would go into co-op and to my stress management class and get things done and started and go about my day and go about my life. Well it turns out that stress management class is started and is going smoothly but my co-op class is something different. See I was extremely nervous about getting placed in a real world job on a work site. Well oh my goodness let me tell you it is not what I thought it would be. I mean yeah you get the experience but it takes a while to find a person or boss you can accommodate your requirements for co-op. I tell my patience is wearing thin. I am so vamped to work and get experience in so I can get a job and live life, get a bigger place, and live with my husband and for God sake enjoy my life with my husband. I wouldn't have to worry about us making it paycheck to paycheck. It is really annoying to struggle like this as a college student, let alone married college students. Now I am waiting for someone to to take me in and give me the experience I need and want to get on with life. Sometimes I feel like this will never end.

Another reason for frustration is we are not ready for children but my hormones and my body says differently. My body frustrates me because it is telling me that I need to have children and I crave to have children, to solve the need of being a mother, use the maternal mothering I am given in life. My husband often  frustrates me although I know he is right that we are not ready for children, I just wish he that even though he is not ready for children that he would at least say that in the future I would like to have children. But then again he has told me all of this since day one. He is not denying me children because he knows this is what I want most in the world. He doesn't want to raise children in poor conditions, on food stamps and WIC. I don't want that either but the hardest thing is I can't ignore this feeling and I myself am not ready for children. I don't have a job yet and I find myself pining for them and I know in my heart that we will be parents some day but for some God awful reason my body and hormones make me want them NOW. Quite frankly I find it quite disturbing and VERY FRUSTRATING!!!! I know I will have them so why do I put myself through this? It absolutely sucks and I hate it. I want to keep it out of my mind until we are ready as we both can be. I know this: WHEN I AM A MOTHER I WILL MAKE AN ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE MOTHER!!!! I WILL BE ONE GREAT MOTHER!!!! I LOVE MY HUSBAND DEARLY SO SO MUCH AND COULD NOT LIVE A DAY WITHOUT HIM EVER! I just want to wait until he is ready to have children and I don't want a hard time conceiving our baby. Everyone tells me that I will be fine but you know for me I think it has to happen for me to believe, how sad is that? I plan to diet so that I am healthy for when the time comes. My body is not incapable of having children so why am I so worried??? I am worried because I am afraid that only I will not have them. Sounds silly doesn't it? Most people tell me I am too young, which ten years ago, that would have never been said. People I ask for words of encouragement, when actually it sounds like I don't believe in myself. Well you know what THIS is going to change. I will set my frustrations on here but I will remain positive! 

I need to think positive because people do better that way. EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT! Everything will work out. Just think POSITIVE Nicole! POSITIVE!